Dating Frustration: How To Break The Cycle

Dating itself can be incredibly frustrating. Waiting for a text back, hoping that someone you met will finally follow up, and begging for a strong connection that can lead to something serious. However, other problems can arise once we find what we think is a long-term partner. After another failed relationship, you may find yourself thinking, “Why do I keep choosing the same type of person?” Trauma can be a strong contributor to why there is a craving for a specific type of person, even if that person does not fulfill your needs. This article will help you understand how trauma can impact the people we choose to date.

You’ve Been Knocked Down in the Past

Trauma from your upbringing can play a huge role in not only the partner you choose, but the partner you think you deserve. For example, if you were raised in a family or had friends who did not celebrate your wins and only emphasized your losses, this could have led to a low level of self-esteem that exists deep within your view of yourself. When choosing a partner, this can lead you to making certain compromises due to feeling like you do not deserve anything more than what this person is offering. Certain behaviors that have been ingrained into your mind since you were a child can be difficult to undo in the present. However, taking charge of your mental health and diving deep into these negative thoughts can bring you to a place where you will not settle for anyone or anything less than what you deserve.

The Past Relationship “Butterflies”

A toxic relationship can leave you with a lot of scars about the type of person you choose in the future. A very common experience in a toxic relationship is very high highs and very low lows. This can be accompanied by the feeling of butterflies in your stomach. At first, this can seem very exciting, and it is what brings the “spark” into your relationship. What these butterflies can actually represent is anxiety about the relationship. Perhaps you’re feeling nervous that your partner is going to manipulate you again or start an argument with you.

This can provide an issue in future relationships, because a secure relationship can almost feel more “boring” than something that was incredibly passionate but then incredibly destructive. Because this is something you may not be used to, you may think that you should leave your relationship for something more exciting. It is important to acknowledge that a secure relationship should have its exciting moments, but the mundane parts of the relationship can show security and comfort without the need for a constant rollercoaster of emotions.

Your Attachment Style

Attachment styles can play an integral role in the success of a relationship. A partner who is a great fit for you may come with a secure attachment style. However, an anxious or avoidant attachment style can bring up some concerns in the relationship. This can create a roadblock in communication and can create a constant level of tension and anxiety in the relationship. It is important to note that attachment styles can be the unfortunate result of the way you were raised. This is not your fault, and it is important to validate your own feelings. However, it is also crucial to understand your attachment style to see if there are ways you can combat those anxious thoughts and feelings. This will also help your partner understand where you are coming from in those anxious or avoidant moments, which can lead to success in the relationship as opposed to having to find someone else.

Repeated patterns in a relationship can feel defeating. However, when you’re able to recognize these patterns in yourself, it is an important step towards healing and finding the right fit for you, who is going to make you feel secure and happy in your relationship. Taking control of your desires in a relationship can increase your self-worth and help you realize that what you want in your life is attainable.