Reconnecting after Losing the Sexual Spark

The reduction or loss of sexual intimacy can be difficult to experience and may feel  embarrassing to talk about. Many of us never expect this to happen in our relationships. When it does,  it can feel like there is no clear way to resolve it.  

Understanding how the loss of sexual intimacy can affect our relationships, common barriers to  addressing that loss, and potential strategies for doing so can help us take steps to reconnect with our  partner(s) in a healthy and compassionate way. 

1. Differences in closed relationships vs. open relationships 

Within a closed relationship, a lack of intimacy removes our ability to meet our sexual needs.  This can create a growing tension and lead to confrontation within our relationships, providing us with  an opportunity to address that loss of intimacy.  

In open relationships, sexual needs can still be met. This can reduce the immediate pressure and  intensity of the loss. However, the loss of intimacy can still be felt by those in the relationship.  

These differences can significantly impact how we react and address the loss of sexual intimacy within our relationships. 

2. The impact of the loss of sexual intimacy 

No two relationships are the same, and the impact of the loss of sexual intimacy can vary  significantly based on the expectations within a given relationship. Effects can range from mild  dissatisfaction to intense feelings of disconnection, inadequacy, and resentment. In open relationships,  jealousy may be heightened.  

These feelings can create tension and increase conflict within our relationships, even in  seemingly unrelated areas. If left unaddressed, these difficulties can grow into long-standing conflicts  that make it harder for us to address the loss of sexual intimacy.  

3. Barriers to communication around the loss of sexual intimacy 

Even knowing the importance of addressing the loss of intimacy, and how it can negatively  impact our relationships, it can still feel overwhelming - even frightening - to address it directly.  

Stigma, embarrassment, and shame over the loss of intimacy can be significant barriers to open  and authentic communication. We may fear the conversation becoming awkward and/or worsening the  situation. We may not want to come across as blaming our partner(s) or dismissive of on-going stressors.  

This can result in minimizing our own needs and wants, and engaging in harmony-seeking  behavior instead. We may hyper-focus on positive parts of the relationship or actively express  satisfaction with the levels of sexual intimacy to maintain a sense of peace in our relationship. In this  silence, we can feel dissatisfied with the dynamic and feel unable to bring it up.

4. Addressing the loss of sexual intimacy  

Direct and open communication may feel intimidating and overwhelming; that's exactly why it  is the brave thing to do.  

Breakdowns in sexual intimacy often come from being on a different page from our partner(s).  Attempts to address the issue on our own can backfire if our partner(s) feel pressured, misunderstood,  or that their stressors are being ignored/minimized.  

Through open and empathetic communication everyone involved is more likely to feel seen and understood. Even if the underlying reasons for the reduction or loss of sexual intimacy cannot be  resolved, we can come together to redevelop expectations and goals, and address the impact it has on  us and our partner(s).  

Here are a few approaches we can take to begin addressing the loss of sexual intimacy: 

• Write thoughts down: Have short reminders and outlines to make it easier to keep the  discussion focused and organized. 

• Acknowledge the difficulties of the conversation: Expressing our vulnerabilities and  emotions, and inviting our partner(s) to do the same helps cultivate a compassionate space.

• Allow the discussion to happen in small pieces: Reduce the pressure to address everything in  a single conversation by agreeing to have smaller ongoing conversations; this also gives us time to process each piece of the overall discussion. 

As partners in a relationship, you have chosen to be on the same team. You are working with  each other towards a joint goal. Empathetic and understanding communication helps foster this  perspective, and allows challenges to be addressed and resolved together.