Why You Feel Guilty Putting Yourself First (And How to Stop)

The word selfish is almost always synonymous with negativity. If you are deemed selfish, this can mean that you are always putting yourself above the needs of others. It can mean that you’re not thinking about their feelings and doing things for your own benefit. However, being selfish is not always a bad thing. We have often been taught by family or friends that we are never supposed to be selfish. This article explores the root of perceived selfishness and when it can be okay to lean into it.

Why is Selfishness Always Deemed Terrible?

While it may not be the most obvious thing that comes to mind, trauma can actually be the result of associating selfishness with being a bad person. You may have had parents who taught you that you were always supposed to put others before yourself, no matter what. This can come at the cost of never setting boundaries and feeling like you always have to be there for others. The key words here are “always” and “never.” Sometimes, it can be the kind thing to do to put others first, depending on the situation. However, just because you have had a certain mindset around selfishness does not mean that it cannot shift. It is important to process this trauma in counseling, whether it is through EMDR or traditional talk therapy. This can help release preconceived negative thoughts about yourself and your relationship with selfishness. 

Perfectionism can also be a reason behind the desire to always be there for others. You may have felt a certain amount of pressure at school or at work to be there for others and complete assignments the second someone asks. If you were to put your own assignments before others, you may have the fear of people viewing you as “not perfect.” It is important to dismantle these ideas and find validation outside of the expectations of others. Once this is released, you can find time to put yourself first.

When is it Okay to be Selfish?

Putting yourself first can often depend on the situation that you are in. A good guide to use is to ask yourself if you have the capacity to be there for others before yourself. Oftentimes, it can feel like you have to do something for someone else, or else you are not a good person. It is important to remind yourself that you are much more than the things you do for others. A large part of what makes you you is what you can do for yourself. This can be in the form of self-care, nurturing relationships, saying no when you need to, and much more. It is not the easiest choice; sometimes, it can be a slippery slope between self-care and selfishness. However, learning this practice can better inform you to know the difference between the two. 

Another helpful reminder is not to let others convince you whether or not something you are doing is selfish. They may have their own ideas of what selfishness looks like, but this is not a mindset that you need to feel forced to adopt. That being said, it is always important to take feedback seriously if people find you’re crossing a line of any kind. This entire experience is allowed to be fluid with room for trial and error.

It can be helpful to acknowledge that this will be uncomfortable at first. Even though change is positive and exciting, it can feel scary. A great way to work through this discomfort is to think about your future self and how relieving it will feel to put yourself first when you feel like you need to. Changing your perspective about what selfishness means and can look like might mean switching a mindset that you have had for decades. Patience is important because these thoughts and behaviors are not going to change overnight. It is crucial to take the small wins where you can, because that is what is going to help push you forward.